It all started with a post on facebook about sludge.
I used to write a lot of notes on facebook and it got to be a lot more popular than i ever realised it would. I would write and my words, ideas, and opinions would be topics for conversations from new york to miami to all over trinidad. I could not post anything that could not be viewed or discussed by the world en masse, which is generally the perfect rule of thumb for anything on the internet, but initially i figured who the hell would read and care what i said…yeah apparently many was the answer.
So anyway i stopped. It became too overwhelming, the idea that my private thoughts and daily rants were being taken so seriously, so i simply cut them all off and only wrote whimsical well edited pieces. That was horrendous and stifling, and coincidentally very symbolic of what my life had become as 2010 continued to roll on.
Enter the sludge. Because that is what it felt like i was engulfed in. Toxic sludge that had seeped into my life and soul. My soul was bleeding away all of its good stuff into aforementioned sludge and worst of all i was allowing it to happen. As with all things Mystie related (that is me btw mystie hiya!) whatever affects my soul affects my body in a very real and startling way. This is a major problem because i use a wheelchair, which means that when i am so filled with yucky that i cannot stand to do a transfer, i am unable to leave my house and getting in and out of bed becomes a juggling chance of will she fall or will she make it? That is a serious, dangerous problem.
This week, i came to the conclusion that it needed to be fixed. The time had come for me to take back and attempt to regain the life i once had not just emotionally but also physically.
You see when i first got into the chair i had a lot of “bad mind” and spunk, even though i had to use the chair to move around in public, i had retained enough mobility to never use it in my house. I would walk slowly and using my hands alot, but i would still get around in the house sans chair. Then i went to college, where i lived on my own in a dorm, no parallel bars or close corridors to lean up on and very long days and nights with very independent living. The chair became attached to my ass and that in itself was challenging but as the years passed, i lost the mobility i once had. I made other things priorities, i attained other goals, and i found peace and strength in myself as a wheelchair user, something my younger angsty self swore never to succumb to. In retrospect i do think i needed to get to that point inside and to accept the changes that had happened to my body and refocus myself from doing anything just to be out of the chair and onto being a whole person with goals and dreams that did not wait on the miracle day of me being healed fully to be realised. I used to not buy a cute pair of shoes because i was waiting for my miracle, never buy that dress, did not want to go out, withdrew from everything outside of school because my miracle would happen and i would walk again and be normal.
Well a miracle did happen, i stopped waiting and started living, i got my degree, i learned to live on my own successfully, and i have a career that is ever evolving 🙂 And i do it all from the chair.
In the last month however, i have read several articles that stated sitting all day (it was really geared towards office workers and computer geeks) was actually not only damaging but also life-shortening. That layered in my subconscious as a level of unfairness that i was clearly powerless to change. It sunk into and became part of the personal sludge that i was currently being steeped in.
It slowly became clear that i needed to make a change though. And i did in personal areas and then saw for it to be complete i needed to add the physical with the personal.
Now everyone who has ever tried to start a new physical regime knows how difficult it is, and how easy it is to be derailed. I do not want to be derailed so i did the one thing that ensures you keep doing what you are supposed to be…i told everyone lol. My mom, my dad, my loud nosy friends, two of whom gave me great ideas i initially balked at and now am embracing.
Firstly Zaaki, told me to make it larger than life public, go blogging and make it a challenge to keep blogging through the experience, to keep myself motivated, and unable to fall off track because the whole world will see. I believe he is working off the concept that it is way more embarrassing to fall onstage than it is to fall alone in your room. In addition keeping track of what i am doing is a great way to see where i was and how far i have come on those crappy days that will inevitably show up.
The second great idea came from Gerarde. He told me to be s.m.a.r.t. (look it up on wiki 😉 Basically set goals for myself, realistic and attainable ones and to continually reassess. This he guaranteed was the only way to really achieve a goal. At the time he told me i told him the mystie version of ick no, go suck it, but after, i sat and started thinking it over and actually wrote out the benchmarks i wanted to surpass on a realistic time line. Turns out it did help.
The combination of those two ideas gave birth to this blog. The Walk Back. As mom said about the name, symbolic and goal oriented. This blog will be where i will record the year of my life i am giving back to the physical side of myself. It is just one year in hopefully many, but sincerely i hope it is one in which i make the kind of change that will last the rest of my lifetime.
I decided the best place to start was with a walker. Today is Saturday, my dad is picking it up on Monday. Monday August 30th 2010, is therefore day one of 365 in my walk back.
I really do not like taking pics so, don’t expect them, but be sure to be and act joyously happy if they appear lol. Actually if on day 365 all my goals have been attained, i will put up a video/pic of me in the pair of red shorts Zaaki promised to get me (if i succeeded) walking along the corridor of my house, like i used to before.
So there is it the why and the basic who of this new blog…look next for the goals with their expected time lines. And then the daily entries for 365 days of Mystie’s Walk Back.