To dream or to fear

That has been my sunday morning dilemma. Last night i went to bed dreaming this morning i woke warring with fear. Can this really be done? Will my legs work again as i want them to? Has the time already passed me by? Have i waited too long? What will be the outcome? All these people (which could be 2 or 200 is more than just me) will watch me try and fail? Why oh why did i ever listen to Zaaki?

The only way to deal with fear is to face it…if you are a sci fi lover like me you know this quote:

  • I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
    • Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

I think this is what the blog will provide for me, a way to watch my fear flow through me, see the path, then successfully overcome it, and only i will remain. This is a big undertaking and i am doing it with the usual tools i face all my impossible tasks, prayer, big cohones, an open mind, alongside a healthy dose of “scared wtf are you doing-itis”. It occurs to me looking back that i also wrote through my impossibles. So yay for blog.

On the flip side my mind wants to dream, dream of the possibilities that may occur. Out of the chair and moving around, standing easily next to my friends to take pics, indulging in all sorts of slack behaviour because even though the body was not moving perfectly if was moving in a way that could work very well for tom foolery and wildness. Did you guys know i used to climb on stuff outside my house, like the banister in my front and back porches, the ole dog house? I miss the freedom and adventure with my own body. To be fair falling quite a few times is kinda what killed that in me to begin with, making the wheelchair where i would be safe, because safe let’s be real, is good, especially when you are far from home….

But if there is anything this last year of my life has taught me, is that clearly i do not like safe…at least not for long stretches of time lol!

Tomorrow is the day before my country’s independence day, symbolic? Maybe. Although i am honestly already very independent, there is an urge for more, you know the kind of freedom that being dangerous and stalking ahead and far away from safety a human can gain? My soul is calling for that, and then there is the whole body pain thing. My body has been experiencing this numbing aggravating pain from being in this chair daily for too long.

So i guess this sunday i will dream in spite of my fears. I will fear and feel and let it flow until it is gone and all that will be left is me, the walker, and my fervent desire to be mobile again…as well as i suppose the 2 of you (ha ha) who will be reading as i travel onwards and God willing upwards on this singular walk back

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One Response to To dream or to fear

  1. the scariest part of this is finding out if what i had is lost forever or if i can get it back….

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