I feel weird just resting my legs and myself. Even my body feels weird. Last night my ankles were killing me, sore and just torturing me even after i climbed into bed. It is enough to make me wonder about the change i am putting myself and my body through. It is clear that the changes are coming but as with all things, it is coming with a cost.
Funny enough the cost is also emotional. Which i did not expect, at least in the way it is occurring. When you start to put this much effort into yourself, you start to learn things about you. Surprisingly i am learning good things. Apparently there is a lot more to me than i could see. These last few years have been difficult ones, where there was much emotional growing and maturing. In retrospect i can see that that foundation had to be laid before i could even think about trying to walk again.
Let me see if i can explain it. Walking is a basic thing for the majority of the world. Everyone walks, the world is fashioned to suit those who walk, everywhere you look. It is something most take for granted. It is something i took for granted. When you lose a part of you that has always been part of what made you just like everyone else, there is an emotional toll. I think for awhile i lost who i was. I had to redefine myself, how i looked and saw myself, in addition to figuring out what could i possibly do with myself now. It was hard.
Now when you “lose” it for a second time, it is different. Mainly because there is a part of you that knows or feels as if you let it slip away this time, rather than it just being stolen. Logically i understand that studying abroad and all that came with it was uhm a bit much (lol) to deal with and handle, and there was ultimately going to be a cost. Emotionally however, i feel like an idiot for giving up that side of me. In my spirit though i know all things unfold in the ways they should, and that i was learning lessons and i am still learning lessons and i need to understand, forgive, and be patient with myself. I did what i had to do, to attain the goals that were before me.
Today though, there are new goals. That is the cool part about life. Everyday can be a fresh new beginning, which can include new ideals and mountains to conquer. It took me a few years to come back to this mountain, but as with any trip, one must prepare before undertaking it. And i can see that those years after school and up until two weeks ago, were filled with me preparing to take this big high as hell mountain the only way i know how to climb one. Step by step, pushing as hard as i can for as long as i can until the rest sign is signaled. You may not have noticed, but between you and me, i do not like the rest sign much…sigh. I do accept that it is needful though.
In the midst of all this, i grew up. I am still growing up. I am as everyone else is, a work in progress. Each day i understand more, and i recognise what i don’t know, while seeking out what i should learn. It is a muddle. One i have fought against being in for many years. I think though that maybe Mystie’s life = muddle. And it is not a bad thing at all. In the muddle i find peace, joy, laughter, inspiration, crazy, and love. As well as most importantly, balance.
Balance means the good with the bad. You experience both, and that is a good healthy thing. Why? How will you ever learn to appreciate the quenching feel of clean clear crisp river water unless you have spent time slogging through filth? Too much of anything is bad, balance is always the key.
Blessings and rest to you all 😉