I am sad. The kind of sad that you wake up and someone says one thing to you and you start crying kind of sad. You would not know it from talking to me, because i am very good at putting on the voice necessary and pressing forward with what has to be done. I learned the hard life lesson that no matter what you are going through the world presses forward smartly, a very long time ago. Through death, through pain, through agonizing betrayal, life, the world, presses forward. And if you feel as if you can just lag in your misery, chaos and deadlines very quickly educate you to your clearly misinformed ideas.
Today i wanted to crawl back into bed and huddle, hell since last night i wanted to do that, because the world is a big mean place with stinky people, but my bed is nice and warm and my bed loves me, as do all of my stuffed animals. They have never left me and they stand by my side giving hugs no matter rain or shine….inanimate they may be, but they have been constants in my life, given to me with love.
The one thing i know though, when you feel like this, there really is only one course of action. Get up and do all that you know you have to anyway. The best you can do really is add something to the day to make it slide by easier. For me, that can be grey’s anatomy, or some other fun television show that i love, a good book, or when i cannot focus and nothing seems accessible to my soul i turn to soca. Soca is native Trinidad and Tobago music. We created it, we thrive on it, we live it. If you could tap a pair of headphones into my soul, you would hear soca, chutney, steelband, and a wicked riddum section on constant replay. Today i needed soca. Usually it would have me dancing and moving and simply enjoying being alive, today however it was my lifeline. That thing that i held onto to keep moving past minute after minute.
I played Machel today. Our very own man-child prince of soca. Ridiculously talented, maybe not in what we might obviously assume, but a brilliant mind who has over the years been able to captivate the soul of his TnT people. Now he is very far from perfect, he gets into trouble, and some times the love-hate relationship borders very slightly on the love side…but in all fairness he has brought us music that reflects us, good, bad, and ugly.
Attached to this post is the song i had on repeat…i listened, i sang along, and i let my spirit flow along its melody and ride its riddum for the entire day. That is how i got through this day. We Not Giving Up-Machel Montano Live
I spasmed some while standing today. There were some shaky moments, where i was not too sure about my legs. And of course the constant checking to ensure i am taking the majority if not all of the weight of my body on my legs. When i was done today, mom said my body felt like i had a fever, and she was very proud of me, because she could tell i was not altogether there today. Those are the days i think i should try harder though, *shrug* just because…
So after a decent-ish morning stretch in my bed (there is a joke waiting to be told there about the increased time i spend on my knees now tee hee…) today i was able to do….
12 stands 10 secs each….120 secs, 2 mins of standing on my own with the aid of a walker…..
Sometimes just sometimes i really do think i am a bad ass heh…peace and blessings to you all and may the world acclaimed soca artist Arrow RIP…..