PTTP

And this week shall be dubbed, Push Through The Pain week…well i guess everyday cannot be super. The most annoying part is that i finally work out a cool regime and the first week of the said regime i have to change it, lol! I mean really is that classic make plans while God laugh stuff or what?

So monday we all remember i was only able to wring out 7 mins, well yesterday was not so much fun, my hands hurt. For those who may have missed it, i have tendonitis in both hands which flares up every now and again. It is painful. It stops me from doing anything at all. I hate it, because it really makes me feel helpless. Now this whole walk back thing is not easy on my hands but thus far thankfully it has not really stopped me from exercising and doing all i have been. Ha ha till yesterday of course 🙂 My initial thought was to just wait till later in the day to exercise give my hurting hands some time to calm down. Yeah….no such luck, so my day off shifted to yesterday and today i worked on the multiple standing thing.

Well my body felt achy, hands, neck, erm hips and that rotund thing i does tote around, all felt achy and stiff and not so hot. But pshhh was not about to miss today too.

So, i pulled off 20 stands, not as quickly as 15 mins, but around 20 mins or so, needed to take longer breaks in between due to how the body was feeling.

Sigh, at least i did it right? Small mercies, big gratitude, and another day survived. God alone knows what tomorrow will bring….heh!

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Change

Life unfolds as it should through heartache pain and drama….hmmm

When i started doing this i was very angry, very determined, and very focused on kicking ass and crushing limits and being a righteous hellcat, who would defy every obstacle coming up against her.

But the process of doing this has changed me. Maybe it burnt me out and wore away some of the pain i was carrying around and instead gave me some peace. Peace is always good right? Hmm maybe its just more endorphins? Or maybe i am happy to be able to do things i used to be able to do and thought was gone? Who knows really, whatever the why, the end result is the cool part.

I am not as angry as before. I am still motivated, but it is out of a more positive place. I am happier these days. Stronger in body mind and spirit. Facing some crappy demons and accepting that just because i want and will something with all of my might to happen, does not mean it will…and generally that is for my own good. Even though at the point in time i think it sucks.

I am learning to appreciate me even more now. My body and how it works. My mind and the will it contains. My spirit and who i am on the very hidden inside. Before i saw a lot of yuck, though i pretended not to. These days i see strength and beauty. Actual beauty, the kind that makes you look in your inner mirror and smile. Something about seeing yourself grow, and knowing that you have gifts and strengths on the inside that will see you through the worst that life brings to you, it makes you appreciate yourself even more, love yourself more in that healthy way.

Mmmm, anyway. Today i was feeling tired and a lil wash out and was not sure how much i would be able to do. But you know me, we try and push until we literally can’t anymore. So today i did just 7 minutes. 7 one minute stands, could not make the 8. And for once that is ok, because it is still 7 minutes and i pushed till my body said NO MORE. Which at the end of the day is all you can really ask of yourself.

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Back in DA Black!!!!

WOOOHOOO I AM BACK!!!!!!!

As you may gather i am a lil excited today :D! Just a lil bit, but i feel as though i have good reason to be. For you see yesterday’s workout was me pushing myself, pushing myself so hard that i woke up today moving much slower than my granny. My WHOLE body hurt. My chest, my tummy, my legs were stiff, i mean it was pain and stiffness all over. I felt tired, was not sure how i was going to survive the day out of bed. But i have deadlines to meet and the only way not to suffer this whole weekend in pain would be to still exercise today, loosen the body and burn out that lactic acid.

It was blisteringly hot today though, and given my state i waited till it was cooler and later in the day before i worked out. That seems to have been a fantastic idea, because i was just sparking today. The aim was 20 stands, and i pulled it off, in 15 minutes!!!!!!!!!

It was just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! I was just knocking out these stands straight up in the air quick, strong and steady 🙂

Oh it felt good to do that, so freaking good lol!

Today started off so hard and slow and now, now i feel like i am truly back and on my journey in a serious way. I remember when doing 5 stands was such a big deal and it took me awhile to do it, i remember being happy with 8…lol now i am knocking off 20 in 15 mins.

Who say God is great? I do, i surely do!

YEAHHHHHHHH BABBBYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! I AM BACK!!!!!!!!

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It’s a body not a machine?

It is all about balance then i suppose. And that is what i am trying to find. the perfect balance between pushing myself and not overdoing it. Not the easiest thing in the world but i am playing around with it this week. Yesterday i was sick, my tummy decided to mess with me and i took a day off so it could fix itself…turns out the day off in the middle of the week….not a bad thing for my legs. Today when i stood for the first time they were all “Yeah BABY we feel good bring on the EXERCISE!” I was most pleasantly surprised 🙂

And it was not in vain, as when it came time to exercise i did something that surprised even me. I am now up to 8 minutes 🙂 However, these 8 minutes were done as 8 one minute stands :D! I said goodbye to my 40 second stands completely!

Now this was not easy eh, there was a lot of sinking, and some spasming, and me going oh boyyyyy don’t fall, push push push push!!! But i made it. 8 whole minutes, in one minute bursts…heh!

So now i am really liking the idea of 4 times a week with the day off in the middle for now. What i was actually telling mom was that i wish that day off i could be in the pool walking. Yes i said walking…i can walk in the pool, well the last time i tried i could. But one day of pool work where i can get the legs doing the walking motion again, well now that is something to aim for. I think i will make some calls and see, if i can get a therapist or some friends to help me make that happen, just once a week, a couple lengths of the pool, walking. I think that might be great…hmmm 🙂 That is something to consider. Maybe i might wait till the new year, when i am physically stronger with even better stamina, that way getting me in and out the pool will be suckeye!

All in all though i have to admit i am very proud of myself, earlier this year i went through an incident that made me believe my body was getting worse and i was losing what functions i had. And i went from that to biking, and now on to the walker, and now my sights are set on walking in the pool again.

In some ways this has been one of the hardest years of my life, where the very spirit of who i am, was sorely tested to a point where somewhere in there i did break. But, i did not stay broken, i in fact found out how strong i truly was, and what i had inside of me when all i had was me and God. For a long time i thought so many other people were the best of my life, and it took this year to show me that the best of me, the true beautiful measure of me, lay within me and came from who God made me to be from the word go. I look in the mirror these days and i see a woman i am proud to be, and a life i live without shame and one i live filled with gratitude and blessings.

I will always call this a very tough year, but it was also one of the most groundbreaking, self achieving, fundamental years of my life. Hmmm once again showing that the beginning of something is no indication of how the end of it will turn out.

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Steady i go

I am still scared, but as i remembered today, being brave and accomplishing goals are not about not being scared they are about being scared but doing what scares you anyway. That is one thing i have learned in the last few years of my life. The other really important lesson i now have ingrained in me is that the things you try might not land you where you planned to be, but the effort is never in vain. And more often than not, you end up in that place you never knew existed but was exactly where you were born to be.

That is my comfort today. I do not know where i will end up by doing all of this, but i am sure it will be somewhere i need and was supposed to be. And along the way, i have no clue what positive and wondrous things may result just because on a day at the end of August i decided to stand up again.

My legs are loving it though. I can feel this yummy tingling in them when i work them out. Like the blood is flowing again, they feel useful and i see the cellulite disappearing lol. They do more now and feel stronger. They feel more alive, and that feels awesome. In addition my whole body is getting a work out, my arms, my tummy, they too are feeling the effects of this new journey. I get that flushed exercise people face now, i love the way it looks lol!

Mmmm yes i am scared but i am pressing forward. This week, i will be stabilizing at 7 mins on monday, wednesday, and friday, while tuesday and thursday will be devoted to doing 20 stands as quickly as i can. Hopefully the change up will be less brutal on my body and it will not feel so destroyed every couple of weeks.

So today’s mission was accomplished…20 stands, in about 20 mins or less 🙂 My legs feel tingly, warm, and great….the blood flows and i am tired, flushed, but happier…still scared, but more positive….

Forward is the motion 😉

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I’m SCURRRREDDDDDD

So ok good news first…SEVEN whole minutes today!!!!!!

5 one minute stands followed by 3 40 second stands……YEAHHHHHHHH….seven minutes is a LONG time….and my legs really hate me lol…talk about spasm and shake and knee buckle…but i dug in and did it…so yippee!

 

Now i can rant….i am so scared. I am doing this and i do not know if it will amount to anything more than me being able to stand again for long. I am literally terrified. Am i setting myself up for something that i can no longer do? Suppose the damage is done and cannot be repaired? I mean i see my feet, i see how they swell, and how they curve, i know they are damaged. I cannot feel my legs and some of my upper body like normal, its not injured its actually damaged. As in something was in there and wreaked it.

What am i doing? Am i not good enough as i am? Why am i trying to do this again? Suppose this does not work? I get to fail in front of everyone?

Sigh it is over a month and i still cannot even begin to try to make a step, it just is not there, my legs are not ready for that as of yet, what if they never are?

Hells bells people what am i doing?

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Getting back into it

Finally….

After what seems like forever i wanted to end this week with some physical work because my legs were begging for it, and more importantly i finally felt i was able to again.

I need to change up how i do this, because my body really hated me for a long while there. I will reconsider and try some new things next week.

Since this was the first day back, i wanted to focus more on making sure my body still remembered how to do the standing thing and less on stamina.

So i figured i would do 15 stands, as quickly and completely as i could. And i did just that. The shocking part was how quickly i managed to pull it off. I did the transfer and 15 stands in exactly 14 mins! I was very shocked and very pleased.

My body is getting back into the groove of standing quickly wooohooo!!!!!! And yuh know 15 is not a bad number heh!

Next week I will start back at the hardcore stamina stuff, maybe i will mix in a couple days of just plenty standing up to change it up and give my body a break without actually taking a real break. We shall see….

Thus the walk back continues…blessings!

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